I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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