I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
