you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
