Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
