true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
