duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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