Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm both gender and math confused
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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