I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
