A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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