I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
