how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
