I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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