A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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