I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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