I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Randomize
