Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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