my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
