in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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