I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
