I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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