i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
