It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
