We're like a lot better than the average bears
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
