ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
