What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
