True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
