Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
