If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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