my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
