i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
