You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
jump out the window naked night went bad
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