dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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