Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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