i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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