yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
