I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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