i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Randomize
