Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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