I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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