I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
