I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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