Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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