When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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