I wish they made helmets for livers.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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