Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
