Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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