Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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