Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
