Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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