I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just googled if crying burns calories
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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