She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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