You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
