I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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