babies were throwing up all over the place
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
